census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
