I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
