mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I smell like Dick and happiness
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize