Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
