Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
