Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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