You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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