im drinking this country out of the recession.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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