umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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