LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I have feelings that need drinking.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
