Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
he fucked my hip out of place.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
