I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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