im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
