you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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