no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize