Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
