I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
