i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
