I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
