while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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