that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
