ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
