So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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