just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
My ass is underappreciated
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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