someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
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