I never want to see another naked old woman again.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
