put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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