Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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