hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
