quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
People in love make me want to vomit
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
