I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
