please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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