i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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