so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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