I puked a lego.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
the gays at disneyland are vicious
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
