Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
