Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
