Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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