Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I would ride that face into the sunset
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
