Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
