Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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