when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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