i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
