I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
