He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize