OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I just had sex on a roof
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
