that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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