I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
