What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Farmville is her only friend.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize