Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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