i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
