Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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