Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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