I looked at my own cervix.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
