Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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