Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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